Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Karaoke King

Just in case you were curious what happens when Danyell and I stay up past out bedtime. 


With this blog post Summer 2011 is officially over. This summer was pretty amazing and I did a lot of awesome stuff that I didn’t blog about because I have a irrational fear of keyboards. Since there were like 100 blog posts I was going to write I am just combining them into one epic blog post, tentatively titled Blog post; The first avenger.

Here it goes.

I led my Dream Dinner Champion team of Champions to victory in one out of five dodge ball games and only swore once. We did however win the “rock climbing wall of glory”. Thanks mostly to my fearless leadership and various motivational chants.

I managed to cross an item from my list when I rented a human hamster ball… If you missed that I hope that you cry yourself to sleep tonight, then when you are all cried out you can go to the following link (you have to copy and paste it because I suck at this)
to get a feel of what it was like inside my dome of awesomeness. (Later that night, I accidentally declared war on two of my neighbors when my aerial firework tipped over and projected flaming balls of awesome at their perspective houses.)

Danyell and I went on a cruise and you can watch the following (upside down) movie above this post to see what it would be like to go on vacation with us…If you guessed that it would be awesome you would be correct.

I got to spend a night in JFK airport which was pretty terrible but I managed to read like 3 books while there. Including World War Z, pretty much guaranteeing that I will survive the inevitable Zombie apocalypse.

I gave the speech from Independence day which was pretty awesome and I also managed to get the nick name Horatio too… Which I am a little conflicted about.

A brief recap incase I forgot stuff;

Sang karaoke, drove a jeep wrangler for the first time, swam in the Atlantic ocean, slept in an airport, got laid off, got a new job, rode four wheelers, went kayaking, bought a jeep, drove a Harley, had an ice cream snicker bar for the first time ever (I used to think that I would need a jet pack to find everlasting peace and eternal happiness but I am pretty sure that ice cream snickers can also do that.) I also found out that they still make scented markers and peach scented marker is the greatest smell in the entire world…the entire world.

As this summer closes I want to express gratitude for all my friends and cohorts who allowed me to stay awesome for yet another summer. A very special thank you to Nate and Megan Walters, without whom I would have gone an entire summer without ever going on a rope swing and thus causing me to be tormented by guilt for the rest of my life.

As a note I may have to officially extend summer to the 16th of September because I will be in the greatest dodgeball game the universe has ever seen. If you can’t make it to Thanksgiving point to watch me throw dodgeballs while wearing daisy dukes have no fear I will recap it for you.

As Summer comes to a close I would like to remind everybody that Halloween is rapidly approaching. Halloween was recently declared (by me) as the second most awesome holiday. The first is the Fourth of July for obvious reasons. I want to make sure that everyone remembers to keep the spirit of Halloween with them remember that Halloween is about more than just candy it is also about juvenile pranks and singing karaoke with me and Danyell.

In case you missed it this picture pretty much sums up my summer.

Your Guide For Life,

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Redemption has a Name...

And that name is R.Y.A.N!

Many of you are unaware of just how bad I failed my dodge ball team last year. It wasn't all my fault as the A-holes on the Keybank team were a bunch of dirty, filthy, cheaters whose flagrant disregard for the rules have ensured I will never trust them with my money. But that is a whole other story.

Besides dirty, dirty cheaters there are mainly 4 reasons why things didn't work out for us.

1. I didn't wear a Tom Landry hat to properly motivate my team.
2. I assumed that because I am so awesome and have seen the movie "Dodgeball" like 100 times I would naturally lead my team to victory.
3. I wasn't wearing enough sweat bands.
4. I didn't turn my name into an acronym of my strategy.

R-Remember the A.L.A.M.O (see below)
Y-Yes, I will destroy all opponents who dare oppose me.
A-Awesome will always triumph (except for last year, which was the exception that proves the rule)
N-Never is not enough...

A-Avoid getting hit by the ball.
L-Look where you are throwing.
A-Always eat a good breakfast.
M-Move out of the way of the ball.
O-Only one team can win.

Once plan R.Y.A.N has been implemented I should be a lethal dodgeball force.

The project will involve hours of dodging and catching drills designed by me for optimal dodgeball performance...

I just realized that I don't have very much time before I will meet my opponents in ball to ball combat, which means I won't have time to implement project R.Y.A.N, which means we are probably going to loose again. (sigh... Ef)

For some people going into something they know will end in a humiliating defeat may cause them to reassess their course of action. Luckily, I am not one of those people. Even though I am 90% certain my participation in this dodgeball game will end with my humiliation, I cannot wait to do it because as Dr. Seuss in his infinite wisdom has said "these things are fun and fun is good". So I am going to choose fun over dignity and always will.

Your Guide for Life,

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Talk Derby To Me

Well it is official; I am so awesome that it literally hurts! That is right I was spanked by three different roller derby girls and trust me they looked right passed my astounding level of awesomeness and showed no mercy. Getting spanked by Derby girls was not on my bucket list but it should have been, in fact I would encourage all of you to make this a priority in your life. For info on when you will be able to be spanked by your choice of roller derby girls, simply friend the Happy Valley Derby Darlings on Facebook. For those of you as lazy as me you can use the following link.

If you have not yet met the HVDD girls you should be ashamed of yourself. This is where you imagine me pointing my finger at you and yelling shame. Why should you be ashamed? Because the HVDD’s are a collection of the awesomest girls around, they are super nice and throw epic parties. “How epic” you ask. Here is a small list of things I have witnessed at just two HVDD events.

1. Like infinity hot chicks.
2. An epic 80’s hairband…whose lead singer called me out for being the only person not signing.
3. A rendition of “Don’t stop believing” that just about brought me to tears.
4. I also won a butt load of swag in their raffle.
5. Many much more stuff that for the sake of my more sensitive and wussy readers…cough… (Jer)…cough. I will not disclose at this time.

Oh, you may have noticed that one of the lovely ladies about to administer derby justice upon me is none other than my beautiful wife. That is right Danielle is now a derby girl, which makes me a derby husband…sounds like there will be a reality TV show or a support group in my near future.

People have asked me how I like being married to a derby girl… Well, I go round and round about it…Get it?… “round and round”… Classic. Actually, I am pretty stoked about it. It’s like being married to a super hero. By day, she is the mild mannered business owner, loving wife and dedicated mother… Danielle. But when night falls, she transforms into the trash talking, roller skating, remorselessly spanking “Cookie Cut-Her” striking fear into evil… um other roller girls I guess.

After being “stoked” the next feeling I have would probably be jealousy. Danielle is already the smart, hot and best liked one of us, now she may very well be the awesome one. Before Derby, Danielle was trailing me by at least 40 million awesome points. (For those of you who have witnessed me play Halo or seen my sick laser tag moves you know this is true.) The calculations haven’t come back from NASA yet, but I am prepared for the worst case scenario where I am no longer the awesome one of our duo. But don’t worry loyal fans I have epic plans to reclaim my title.

So in conclusion, if you don’t support your local roller derby league they will find you and they will hurt you. So for your own safety, please give in, and surrender to their beguiling ways.

Your Guide For Life,

Thursday, January 27, 2011

New years resolutions

Due to popular demand...I present for your viewing new years resolutions.

(Note: due to various legislation, treaties, injunctions and supreme court precedent I cannot name all of resolutions.)

1. Be even more awesome. I know that you are saying to yourself "impossible" but I know that with your thoughts and prays I can become even more awesome....I wonder if to reach optimal awesomeness, will I have to stop being friends with Jeremy? Probably...but that's a post for another day.

2. To not run a marathon. I think with some planning, a large amount of mountain dew and halo I should be able accomplish this one.

3. This year I will turn 29 since it is my last full year in my 20's, I think that it is my moral obligation to buy an unseemly amount of fireworks in Wyoming, and launch them there so as to not break any state laws. (right here is were you imagine a winking emoticon.)

4. I am hoping this year to pull a legendary April Fools joke. Be prepared any of you could be my victim...Bwahahahaha

5. Say "that's what she said" more.

6. Go hang gliding

7. Compete in an eating competition.

8. Do a blog post about how dissapointed I am that Anne Hathaway is going to be Catwoman in the next Batman movie. LAME!

9. Hike Mt. Timp. That snobby mountain has been looking down on me for almost three decades and it's time I put it in it's place. It has only been spared because of my general distain of physical activity. But enough is enough watch your back Timp!

10. Lead my Laser tag team to Nationals. Just messing I don't have a lasertag team.

11. Start a laser tag team.

12. Get punched in the face. I have only been punched in the face a few times but they were all in the span of a few minutes...and therefore my recollection is a little blurry and I have forgotten what that passage in to manhood felt like.

13. Ride in a hot air balloon.

14. Organize a massive water fight.

15. Take a ride in one of those Human hamster balls. Note to self possible birthday party.

16. Rent a Wave Runner.

17. Redeem myself at dodge ball...those cheating jerks from Keybank won't know what hit them...oh wait yes they will a dodge ball. I should probably get my lovable band of rejects together and start practicing.

18. Only have 18 new years resolutions! Sweet!

Honorable mentions.

Quote anchor man more. I decided that I already quote that sufficiently.

Watch more mash ups on youtube. I decided that while fun, they really don't help me become more awesome.

Well fellow adventurers, 2011 is going to be freaking epic. I hope that you all manage to come out with me and cross some items off my list. As soon as the weather warms up it is going to be open season on list items.
Take Luck.

Your Guide For Life,

P.S. 2011 is off to an epic start with 2 halo nights under my belt already.

Before the List