Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Reason for the Season.

How watching a scary movie (probably) saved my life.

Well it is finally Halloween again the happiest time of year, free candy and lots of scary movies what more could you ask for?  This may shock some of you but I am not a huge fan of scary movies.  I have what the medical experts call “cat like speed and reflexes”…This means that when things are quiet then suddenly interrupted by even a small noise, I will scream like a girl.  While I have been told this is a  very desirable trait to have if one wishes to survive in the wild, it has led to some rather embarrassing moments.  One that comes to mind was when I was playing Gears of War and I was trying to sneak past a berserker which didn’t go so well.  Berserkers are blind and depend on smell and sound to hunt their prey.  So I was being as careful as I could not to make a sound but the berserker heard me anyway and ran through the wall right in front of me.  I wish I could say I maintained my cool but I actually dropped my controller and screamed like a baby.  While my number one Enemy Jeremy Webb, managed to keep his composure.  Have you ever had to feel like less of a man than Jeremy Webb?  Most girls don’t even experience that, but I had to.  Needless to say this deeply shamed me and I have tried to avoid being startled ever since.  Because of the deep shame caused by my condition I don’t often watch scary movies in order to avoid being laughed at for my highly evolved and finely attuned sense of awareness.  Luckily for me I hid my shame to watch the movie “When a stranger calls”.  Fun side note Roy from the office is in this movie.  The movie is based off of a scary story I heard a million times as a child growing up.  Essentially a baby sitter is receiving frightening calls from a stranger, she calls the cops and they trace the call and it is coming from inside the house….dun dun dun.

Warning spoiler alerts ahead!!!! 

There is a scene in the movie when the babysitters friend is leaving but there is a branch across the driveway… Because she is dumb she gets out of the car and tries to move the branch.  As she struggles with the branch…. psycho killer jumps out and kills her.

Fast forward a few months same thing happens to me, but in addition to my cat like speed and reflexes I have already seen how this plays out which is why I am still here today. 

I used to walk my dog very early in the morning…now by walk, it is important to know that I mean driving down a narrow and eerie dirt road while my dog ran by the car (Don’t judge me I can call it walking if I want to)  Because I was “walking” at 5 in the freaking morning it was always really dark and creepy but for the most part uneventful… Till one fateful day…  I am going along on the road, minding my own business and bam there is a freaking branch blocking the way.  Since I am not an idiot I rolled up my windows, locked the doors and got the f&*% outta there.  Psycho killer 0 - Ryan 1.  Sure I felt a little bad about possibly abandoning my dog to a deranged lunatic stalking a terrifying dirt road in the early morning, but I stand by my choice. 

Here is how things would have gone down if I was born a girl J/K don’t freak out … As I see the branch across the road I abandon the safety of my automobile and try in vain to move the branch.  I hear some noise and say “Hello? Is anyone there”?... With no response I decide it is obviously safe to continue… till I hear another noise…”Seriously!” I would yell “If that it is you (insert name) it isn’t funny, you better knock it off”  Then a sudden rush and I take my last breath as a flock of birds scatters.  I am never to be heard from again but my dead body could show up as a warning to my cliché group of friends.

But because I was prepared I managed to safely avoid an obvious attempt on my life.

Please take the opportunity to watch scary movies because they might just save your life.  Here are some more lessons brought to us by the original writers of horror movies.

NEVER RUN UPSTAIRS…Seriously, unless you have a zipline out your window (which I recommend everyone have but very few do) never go upstairs you will die. 

DON’T WEAR HEELS…You will trip and then you will die.

OWN A GUN… A lot of the problems I have seen in horror movies could be solved by a concealed carry permit.

Always keep your car at least half full and make sure you don’t have an old battery.  If you are somewhere creepy and you say “Oh no, the car won’t start”…guess what… you’re dead.

Invest in remote keyless entry…There is nothing worse than being chased by a psycho and having to try and unlock your car. 

Putting your keys on a lanyard is also a good idea, because dropping your keys is also a very good way to get dead.

Well there are many more rules to survive this Halloween season but they are all pretty obvious.  If you feel under prepared for your survival the rules can easily be found by watching that scene from scream when Mathew Lilliard gives all the rules.

Please be safe this Halloween season and don’t fall into any obvious traps. 

Remember to eat lots of Candy Corn which manages to be completely disgusting and ridiculously delicious at the same time

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