Thursday, April 21, 2011

Talk Derby To Me

Well it is official; I am so awesome that it literally hurts! That is right I was spanked by three different roller derby girls and trust me they looked right passed my astounding level of awesomeness and showed no mercy. Getting spanked by Derby girls was not on my bucket list but it should have been, in fact I would encourage all of you to make this a priority in your life. For info on when you will be able to be spanked by your choice of roller derby girls, simply friend the Happy Valley Derby Darlings on Facebook. For those of you as lazy as me you can use the following link.

If you have not yet met the HVDD girls you should be ashamed of yourself. This is where you imagine me pointing my finger at you and yelling shame. Why should you be ashamed? Because the HVDD’s are a collection of the awesomest girls around, they are super nice and throw epic parties. “How epic” you ask. Here is a small list of things I have witnessed at just two HVDD events.

1. Like infinity hot chicks.
2. An epic 80’s hairband…whose lead singer called me out for being the only person not signing.
3. A rendition of “Don’t stop believing” that just about brought me to tears.
4. I also won a butt load of swag in their raffle.
5. Many much more stuff that for the sake of my more sensitive and wussy readers…cough… (Jer)…cough. I will not disclose at this time.

Oh, you may have noticed that one of the lovely ladies about to administer derby justice upon me is none other than my beautiful wife. That is right Danielle is now a derby girl, which makes me a derby husband…sounds like there will be a reality TV show or a support group in my near future.

People have asked me how I like being married to a derby girl… Well, I go round and round about it…Get it?… “round and round”… Classic. Actually, I am pretty stoked about it. It’s like being married to a super hero. By day, she is the mild mannered business owner, loving wife and dedicated mother… Danielle. But when night falls, she transforms into the trash talking, roller skating, remorselessly spanking “Cookie Cut-Her” striking fear into evil… um other roller girls I guess.

After being “stoked” the next feeling I have would probably be jealousy. Danielle is already the smart, hot and best liked one of us, now she may very well be the awesome one. Before Derby, Danielle was trailing me by at least 40 million awesome points. (For those of you who have witnessed me play Halo or seen my sick laser tag moves you know this is true.) The calculations haven’t come back from NASA yet, but I am prepared for the worst case scenario where I am no longer the awesome one of our duo. But don’t worry loyal fans I have epic plans to reclaim my title.

So in conclusion, if you don’t support your local roller derby league they will find you and they will hurt you. So for your own safety, please give in, and surrender to their beguiling ways.

Your Guide For Life,

Before the List