Monday, May 20, 2013

It’s A Rad Bromance

(I bet you just said “Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooooh)

As a man I solemnly refuse to use a shopping cart. I believe that is a sign of weakness.  It also makes shopping a challenge and an opportunity to show off my manly prowess and tensile strength.  I get to watch all the other shoppers be obviously envious of how well I can balance all of my beef jerky and energy drinks... (which as a man is all I ever buy at a grocery store anyway.)  As I am waiting in the checkout line silently calculating if my precariously balanced pyramid of a month’s worth of Jacklinks and Rockstars will stand the test of time as the lady in front of me scourers through her purse desperately searching find her coupon for some lame thing, I often see magazines which promise to divulge the interworkings of the male brain so that women can keep their man.  This always confuses me because dudes really aren't that complicated.  We really only want one be left alone while we play X-box (Bwahahahah. See what I did there??? But seriously….we do) If magazine after magazine insists we are complicated then perhaps we really are.  I mean, I know TV never lies, so maybe the same is true about magazines.  As I pondered this, I thought back to various bromances which have tragically ended in Dudevorce in a statistic I just made up, roughly 5/32 of all bromances end in Dudevorce.  If your bromance is on the fritz and you are too stubborn to get professional help here are 4 simple rules to keep your bromance fresh.

1.        Communication: This is clearly the most important aspect of any bromance and is to be avoided at all costs.  Communication with your bro should be able to be summed up in a high five, fist bump, head nod, shoulder shrug, eyebrow raise or the response “I hear that”.  If it is more complicated than this it is to be avoided as much as possible.  When I ever I get off the phone with a bro and my wife asks how he is doing and I say anything but “how should I know”…Things are looking bad for my bromance

2.       Superiority; It is important that your bro knows that you are superior to him in at least one thing.  Or else you are useless to him…Unless you are invoking the Sandlot rule (which will be explained later)   you need to be a “something guy”.  This can be about computers, fixing cars, fighting, shooting, zombie apocalypse knowledge etc.  This way if your bro is in danger or needs help, said bro can immediately know which bro to call.  This can also help defuse tense situations between two bros who can defer to the expert bro to settle disagreements.  Mac or PC? ask my computer guy.  Machete or shot gun? … ask my inevitable zombie apocalypse guy. Etc. 

3.       Routine, Routine, Routine… Make sure that your bromance has clearly defined boundaries, IE. “We are going to hang out for the sole purpose of playing x–box.  When we are done you will go home and I won’t see you until I once more need a teammate for some co-operative left 4 dead. If this is acceptable be here at 7 sharp.” The more narrowly defined your bromance the more successful it will be. Do not try to branch out with your bro and try new things this never ends well.
4.       The Sandlot Rule: If you are unable to be the go to bro for any topic, you can invoke the Jeremy rule.  The Sandlot rule is as follows; you have to be so uncool that a cool bro will feel pity for you and take you under his much cooler bro wing in an attempt to try and make you cool.  In addition to “The Sandlot” this rule has played out in countless sitcoms and movies so watch those if you have further questions.  If you are you are unable to do this you can also invoke the Jeremy Rule. This rule relies on the unwritten bro law which states: “If pizza is provided all bros have to help another bro move.”  You then provide pizza and move like 1000 times in order to force your bros to hang out with you.
So in conclusion, I will bring up a bunch of new points instead of summarizing what I have already stated, because I am a man and I can.  Bromances are not the delicate flowers the liberal media would have you believe they are.  They are demon cobras fueled by adrenaline, rage, fear, hatred and awesome.  All of the best movies revolve around bromances since the two best movies are Dumb and Dumber and Tommy Boy. Where would TV be without Zach and Screech, Corey and Shawn , Shawn and Gus, George and Jerry, Troy and Abed? The Lifetime channel that is where! And that is a world I don’t want to live in. So do the world a favor and keep bromance alive.

Your Guide for life,

If you are ever in doubt ask yourself “what would Corey and Shawn do?”

Bonus features: This blog was originally a response to my brother Kyle's weaksauce blog and I was just going to shame his list with a far superior list but I grew tired of that and wrote this instead.
Dudevorce was originally coined in a hilarious episode of King of the Hill.

The Sandlot rule was originally titled the Jeremy Rule and the new Jeremy rule was originally subclause B of the Jeremy rule, but he had a terrible day of golf this weekend so I renamed it and took some of the harsher language out.  I highly recommend being the cool bro in the sandlot scenario it is awesome, I have only done it once but that friend doesn’t use facebook or read my blog so I won’t embarrass him over it.

The fraction 5/32 was the allen wrench size I needed to change the wheels on my roller blades when I was a kid.

I really do hate using a shopping cart and have only used them in situations of extreme duress and it was terrible.  

Before the List