The announcer formally known as Horatio Pain:
Many of you may be wondering why and how I became an
infamous roller derby announcer. My
origin story is not unlike most others… as a small child I witnessed a tragedy
that unleashed in me the need to destroy evil and avenge…oh wait… that is my
other alter ego. Please ignore that
previous statement.
My most early recollection of roller derby was hearing the hushed whispers among my wife’s family that a dear family friend was a referee for roller derby. I put a pin in that and moved on with my life because I was sure that roller derby wasn’t real.
My next encounter with roller derby was the movie “whip it”. At this point it becomes necessary to point out that I loathe chick flicks…. Oh how I loathe them…To truly express my opinions of chick flicks would take too long and would be filled with the vilest of profanity so I will spare you. Where was I? Oh yeah, in a preemptive strike, I decide to rent the movie “whip it” thus not allowing my wife the opportunity to rent what I call a “level three chick flick”. I had witnessed commercials for this movie on a plane trip to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed reason and it seemed harmless enough. So we rent it and watch it, I will spare you my critique of all the non-roller derby aspects of the movie which were sub-par, but this roller derby idea was intriguing….Most intriguing
Another facet to my dynamic personality is that while I love
movies I hate being ordinary and usual so the idea of another dinner and movie
date with my wife is the last thing I want to do. But Batman says that it is important for
couples to do things together. So trying
to think outside of the box I remember how fun whip it made attending a roller
derby game (which is actually called a bout) look. So I decided to see if there
was a league in Utah. I
found Wasatch roller derby on line. We tried to make it to a few bouts but
things kept getting in the way. Finally I put my foot down and drew a line in
the sand… it was now or never, you are either with me or against me. So we ditched a birthday party for one of our
daughter’s friends and managed to show up just in time for half time.
It was all I could have hoped for, girls in fishnets skating
at high speeds and hitting each other.
The fabled roller derby referee my wife’s family had mentioned was even
there and helped explain what I was seeing. Well of course my wife decides that she needs
to post on Facebook about what a great husband I am and how awesome and
creative I am. From that status we were eventually introduced to Natalie
Swenson aka Raggs who eventually started the Happy Valley Derby Darlins.
I went with my wife to the very first meeting of what would
become HVDD and right away it became tots obvi that this roller derby thing was
going to take over my wife’s life. To
avoid an “it’s me or derby” conversation I figured I should get involved. There were a few options before me; 1. I could
be a referee or 2. a super fan….or though door 3 I could embrace my vanity and
become an announcer.
1. Being a roller derby referee demands the individual possess
the confidence of a lion tamer, the bravery and grace of a matador and the
mental clarity of a cheetah. Oh yeah and
you had to do this all whilst on roller skates.
Clearly I met none of those qualities. “Next”
2. Super fan. The pressure to have the funniest sign in the
crowd was too much for me. “No thank
you!”
3. Announcer. Well you just have to speak good words in way
to make people understand. Clearly a
perfect match for such as I. “Ding ding ding we have a match”
I decided that the best way to support my wife while also doing
the least amount of damage to the roller derby community at large would be as the
world’s worst roller derby announcer rather than as the world’s worst roller
derby referee.
The decision to be announcer also came with the significant
responsibility of choosing a new derby name.
After brief stints as the wildly inappropriate Mr. and/or Professor
Snatch I eventually decided on Horatio Paine.
This name is a play of the main character from the most realistic crime
scene investigation show, and therefore the greatest show ever, CSI Miami’s Horatio
Caine. I had earned the nick name
Horatio at work from a game of two truths and a lie where everyone thought my
lie…”My Middle name is Horatio” was the truth and that my 2 truths which
revolved around how awesome I am, were the lies. :’( A few months later I find out there was
already a Horatio Pain who was very active in the Derby community…So I decided
that I needed to change my name. A few
derby girls got together and decided since my skills as announcer are rather
weak I needed a hook to really take it to the next level... which is level 1. It was decided for me that I needed to have a
Boy Scout theme. So I changed my name to
Ranger Zone which is also probably already taken. But that’s ok cause I have two more lined
up…Maniac Mageek (Love it) and Hot Rod Lincoln (pretty good right)
Why I picked announcer and how no one saw the inevitable
train wreck and demanding diva that I would be I will never know. Just a few of the reasons I should never be an
announcer:
1. I am sure I have a pretty strong case of social anxiety.
2. I hate crowds.
3. I am painfully shy around new people which makes me come
off as being a… um, well lets go with jerk.
4. I am funny only when I am quoting/stealing funny things
other people have said.
5. I am the earth’s worst public speaker… that is not an
exaggeration… literally the worst.
6. My brain works faster than my mouth and I always say the
wrong things, Ie calling Star Trek, Star
Wars.
7. If ADHD is real which Tom Cruise says isn’t and he’s
never lead me astray before, I would say I have that too. I have terrible short term memory so I am
always forgetting who the jammer is or what I just said…These two things…kinda
a big deal for an announcer to remember.
Luckily, I have great support in the Nerdery which is where
the table of my nerdy friends sit and help me with jammer stats, the scoreboard
and some are just there to remind me when I mess up so I don’t get a big head.
My secret fear is that one day all of the skaters will
realize how terrible of an announcer I am and realize that almost anyone could
do a better job than me and force me out. Then my real nightmare begins…. I
will still have to go to bouts to support my wife, where not only will I have
to listen to the crowd regale themselves with stories of how bad the previous
announcer was, I will also have to witness another announcer who is superior to me.
I will sit silently scowling when he announces things correctly or when
the audience all laughs because the announcer is way more funny than I ever
could be. Also, I don’t know a lot about
roller derby traditions yet, but I think that the new announcer has to destroy
the old one before they can take over.
But until that happens I am the official unofficial voice of
the Happy Valley Derby Darlins. I hope to announce for them until I die young
and pretty in an awesome blaze of glory.
Your Guide For life,
-Ryan
P.S. If you want to get involved in roller derby look up The
Happy Valley Derby Darlins on facebook.
BONUS FEATURES:
I have had this blog post ready for a while but wanted to do
a Character sheet for my stats like dungeons and dragons but couldn’t get it
done. So I did it without it.
The friend of my wife is none other than Phillip McCrevasse,
whose knowledge of all things roller derby has been invaluable to me and my
wife.
The plane trip I saw commercials for whip it on was on my
way to and from New York for Thanksgiving where my awesome extended family
played the most epic game of spoons. I wish I could say no one got hurt but
that would be a lie.
I had a whole thing about beginning my announcing training
and it was essentially how batman or a jedi is trained. Pretty funny but also
rather long. So I will just thank Fragglepuss the Chaste from Wasatch for all his
help.
My wife Danielle, is now Cookie the most bad A skater in the
entire universe.
Examples of levels of chick flicks.
Level 1: Whip It
Level 2: Legally Blonde
Level 3: The Notebook
I cut out a Simpsons reference about the episode where
Mr. Burns steals a trillion dollars and goes to Cuba which demonstrated how I
called dibs on being announcer. Comedy
gold but I couldn’t get it quite right so I deleted it.
I had a whole spiel about how as ardent anti feminist I
first sought to destroy roller derby.
Once I realized how funny I thought it was I realized that very few
other people would and I could very well end up stabbed
I removed my diva demands as announcer because I was just
stealing them from Wayne’s World.
Also, a big mushy thank you to Raggs for starting the league
and all the girls who have stayed with the league. I could go on and on about how getting
involved in roller derby has benefitted my life but you have to be involved to
really get it. Thank you for letting me announce. I promise I am trying.
I am planning on starting a podcast to discuss how awesomer I
am than you so get prepared for
