It’s A Rad Bromance

(I bet you just said “Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooooh)

As a man I solemnly refuse to use a shopping cart. I believe that is a sign of weakness.  It also makes shopping a challenge and an opportunity to show off my manly prowess and tensile strength.  I get to watch all the other shoppers be obviously envious of how well I can balance all of my beef jerky and energy drinks... (which as a man is all I ever buy at a grocery store anyway.)  As I am waiting in the checkout line silently calculating if my precariously balanced pyramid of a month’s worth of Jacklinks and Rockstars will stand the test of time as the lady in front of me scourers through her purse desperately searching find her coupon for some lame thing, I often see magazines which promise to divulge the interworkings of the male brain so that women can keep their man.  This always confuses me because dudes really aren't that complicated.  We really only want one thing......to be left alone while we play X-box (Bwahahahah. See what I did there??? But seriously….we do) If magazine after magazine insists we are complicated then perhaps we really are.  I mean, I know TV never lies, so maybe the same is true about magazines.  As I pondered this, I thought back to various bromances which have tragically ended in Dudevorce in a statistic I just made up, roughly 5/32 of all bromances end in Dudevorce.  If your bromance is on the fritz and you are too stubborn to get professional help here are 4 simple rules to keep your bromance fresh.

1.        Communication: This is clearly the most important aspect of any bromance and is to be avoided at all costs.  Communication with your bro should be able to be summed up in a high five, fist bump, head nod, shoulder shrug, eyebrow raise or the response “I hear that”.  If it is more complicated than this it is to be avoided as much as possible.  When I ever I get off the phone with a bro and my wife asks how he is doing and I say anything but “how should I know”…Things are looking bad for my bromance

2.       Superiority; It is important that your bro knows that you are superior to him in at least one thing.  Or else you are useless to him…Unless you are invoking the Sandlot rule (which will be explained later)   you need to be a “something guy”.  This can be about computers, fixing cars, fighting, shooting, zombie apocalypse knowledge etc.  This way if your bro is in danger or needs help, said bro can immediately know which bro to call.  This can also help defuse tense situations between two bros who can defer to the expert bro to settle disagreements.  Mac or PC? ask my computer guy.  Machete or shot gun? … ask my inevitable zombie apocalypse guy. Etc. 

3.       Routine, Routine, Routine… Make sure that your bromance has clearly defined boundaries, IE. “We are going to hang out for the sole purpose of playing x–box.  When we are done you will go home and I won’t see you until I once more need a teammate for some co-operative left 4 dead. If this is acceptable be here at 7 sharp.” The more narrowly defined your bromance the more successful it will be. Do not try to branch out with your bro and try new things this never ends well.
4.       The Sandlot Rule: If you are unable to be the go to bro for any topic, you can invoke the Jeremy rule.  The Sandlot rule is as follows; you have to be so uncool that a cool bro will feel pity for you and take you under his much cooler bro wing in an attempt to try and make you cool.  In addition to “The Sandlot” this rule has played out in countless sitcoms and movies so watch those if you have further questions.  If you are you are unable to do this you can also invoke the Jeremy Rule. This rule relies on the unwritten bro law which states: “If pizza is provided all bros have to help another bro move.”  You then provide pizza and move like 1000 times in order to force your bros to hang out with you.
So in conclusion, I will bring up a bunch of new points instead of summarizing what I have already stated, because I am a man and I can.  Bromances are not the delicate flowers the liberal media would have you believe they are.  They are demon cobras fueled by adrenaline, rage, fear, hatred and awesome.  All of the best movies revolve around bromances since the two best movies are Dumb and Dumber and Tommy Boy. Where would TV be without Zach and Screech, Corey and Shawn , Shawn and Gus, George and Jerry, Troy and Abed? The Lifetime channel that is where! And that is a world I don’t want to live in. So do the world a favor and keep bromance alive.

Your Guide for life,

-Me

If you are ever in doubt ask yourself “what would Corey and Shawn do?”

Bonus features: This blog was originally a response to my brother Kyle's weaksauce blog and I was just going to shame his list with a far superior list but I grew tired of that and wrote this instead.

Dudevorce was originally coined in a hilarious episode of King of the Hill.

The Sandlot rule was originally titled the Jeremy Rule and the new Jeremy rule was originally subclause B of the Jeremy rule, but he had a terrible day of golf this weekend so I renamed it and took some of the harsher language out.  I highly recommend being the cool bro in the sandlot scenario it is awesome, I have only done it once but that friend doesn’t use facebook or read my blog so I won’t embarrass him over it.

The fraction 5/32 was the allen wrench size I needed to change the wheels on my roller blades when I was a kid.

I really do hate using a shopping cart and have only used them in situations of extreme duress and it was terrible.  

So this is what it's like when doves cry

The announcer formally known as Horatio Pain:

Many of you may be wondering why and how I became an infamous roller derby announcer.  My origin story is not unlike most others… as a small child I witnessed a tragedy that unleashed in me the need to destroy evil and avenge…oh wait… that is my other alter ego.  Please ignore that previous statement. 

My most early recollection of roller derby was hearing the hushed whispers among my wife’s family that a dear family friend was a referee for roller derby.  I put a pin in that and moved on with my life because I was sure that roller derby wasn’t real. 

My next encounter with roller derby was the movie “whip it”.  At this point it becomes necessary to point out that I loathe chick flicks…. Oh how I loathe them…To truly express my opinions of chick flicks would take too long and would be filled with the vilest of profanity so I will spare you.  Where was I? Oh yeah, in a preemptive strike, I decide to rent the movie “whip it” thus not allowing my wife the opportunity to rent what I call a “level three chick flick”.  I had witnessed commercials for this movie on a plane trip to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed reason and it seemed harmless enough.  So we rent it and watch it, I will spare you my critique of all the non-roller derby aspects of the movie which were sub-par, but this roller derby idea was intriguing….Most intriguing 

Another facet to my dynamic personality is that while I love movies I hate being ordinary and usual so the idea of another dinner and movie date with my wife is the last thing I want to do.  But Batman says that it is important for couples to do things together.  So trying to think outside of the box I remember how fun whip it made attending a roller derby game (which is actually called a bout) look. So I decided to see if there was a league in Utah.   I found Wasatch roller derby on line. We tried to make it to a few bouts but things kept getting in the way. Finally I put my foot down and drew a line in the sand… it was now or never, you are either with me or against me.  So we ditched a birthday party for one of our daughter’s friends and managed to show up just in time for half time. 

It was all I could have hoped for, girls in fishnets skating at high speeds and hitting each other.   The fabled roller derby referee my wife’s family had mentioned was even there and helped explain what I was seeing.  Well of course my wife decides that she needs to post on Facebook about what a great husband I am and how awesome and creative I am. From that status we were eventually introduced to Natalie Swenson aka Raggs who eventually started the Happy Valley Derby Darlins.

I went with my wife to the very first meeting of what would become HVDD and right away it became tots obvi that this roller derby thing was going to take over my wife’s life.  To avoid an “it’s me or derby” conversation I figured I should get involved.  There were a few options before me; 1. I could be a referee or 2. a super fan….or though door 3 I could embrace my vanity and become an announcer.

1. Being a roller derby referee demands the individual possess the confidence of a lion tamer, the bravery and grace of a matador and the mental clarity of a cheetah.  Oh yeah and you had to do this all whilst on roller skates.  Clearly I met none of those qualities. “Next”

2. Super fan. The pressure to have the funniest sign in the crowd was too much for me.  “No thank you!”

3. Announcer.  Well you just have to speak good words in way to make people understand.  Clearly a perfect match for such as I. “Ding ding ding we have a match”

I decided that the best way to support my wife while also doing the least amount of damage to the roller derby community at large would be as the world’s worst roller derby announcer rather than as the world’s worst roller derby referee.   

The decision to be announcer also came with the significant responsibility of choosing a new derby name.  After brief stints as the wildly inappropriate Mr. and/or Professor Snatch I eventually decided on Horatio Paine.  This name is a play of the main character from the most realistic crime scene investigation show, and therefore the greatest show ever, CSI Miami’s Horatio Caine.  I had earned the nick name Horatio at work from a game of two truths and a lie where everyone thought my lie…”My Middle name is Horatio” was the truth and that my 2 truths which revolved around how awesome I am, were the lies. :’(  A few months later I find out there was already a Horatio Pain who was very active in the Derby community…So I decided that I needed to change my name.  A few derby girls got together and decided since my skills as announcer are rather weak I needed a hook to really take it to the next level... which is level 1.  It was decided for me that I needed to have a Boy Scout theme.  So I changed my name to Ranger Zone which is also probably already taken.  But that’s ok cause I have two more lined up…Maniac Mageek (Love it) and Hot Rod Lincoln (pretty good right)

Why I picked announcer and how no one saw the inevitable train wreck and demanding diva that I would be I will never know.  Just a few of the reasons I should never be an announcer:

1. I am sure I have a pretty strong case of social anxiety.

2. I hate crowds.

3. I am painfully shy around new people which makes me come off as being a… um, well lets go with jerk.   

4. I am funny only when I am quoting/stealing funny things other people have said. 

5. I am the earth’s worst public speaker… that is not an exaggeration… literally the worst. 

6. My brain works faster than my mouth and I always say the wrong things, Ie calling Star Trek,  Star Wars.

7. If ADHD is real which Tom Cruise says isn’t and he’s never lead me astray before, I would say I have that  too. I have terrible short term memory so I am always forgetting who the jammer is or what I just said…These two things…kinda a big deal for an announcer to remember.

Luckily, I have great support in the Nerdery which is where the table of my nerdy friends sit and help me with jammer stats, the scoreboard and some are just there to remind me when I mess up so I don’t get a big head.

My secret fear is that one day all of the skaters will realize how terrible of an announcer I am and realize that almost anyone could do a better job than me and force me out. Then my real nightmare begins…. I will still have to go to bouts to support my wife, where not only will I have to listen to the crowd regale themselves with stories of how bad the previous announcer was, I will also have to witness another announcer who is superior  to me.  I will sit silently scowling when he announces things correctly or when the audience all laughs because the announcer is way more funny than I ever could be.  Also, I don’t know a lot about roller derby traditions yet, but I think that the new announcer has to destroy the old one before they can take over.   

But until that happens I am the official unofficial voice of the Happy Valley Derby Darlins. I hope to announce for them until I die young and pretty in an awesome blaze of glory. 

Your Guide For life,

-Ryan

P.S. If you want to get involved in roller derby look up The Happy Valley Derby Darlins on facebook. 

BONUS FEATURES:

I have had this blog post ready for a while but wanted to do a Character sheet for my stats like dungeons and dragons but couldn’t get it done. So I did it without it. 

The friend of my wife is none other than Phillip McCrevasse, whose knowledge of all things roller derby has been invaluable to me and my wife.

The plane trip I saw commercials for whip it on was on my way to and from New York for Thanksgiving where my awesome extended family played the most epic game of spoons. I wish I could say no one got hurt but that would be a lie. 

I had a whole thing about beginning my announcing training and it was essentially how batman or a jedi is trained. Pretty funny but also rather long. So I will just thank Fragglepuss the Chaste from Wasatch for all his help. 

My wife Danielle, is now Cookie the most bad A skater in the entire universe.

Examples of levels of chick flicks.

Level 1: Whip It

Level 2: Legally Blonde

Level 3: The Notebook

I cut out a Simpsons reference about the episode where Mr. Burns steals a trillion dollars and goes to Cuba which demonstrated how I called dibs on being announcer.  Comedy gold but I couldn’t get it quite right so I deleted it.

I had a whole spiel about how as ardent anti feminist I first sought to destroy roller derby.  Once I realized how funny I thought it was I realized that very few other people would and I could very well end up stabbed

 

I removed my diva demands as announcer because I was just stealing them from Wayne’s World.

Also, a big mushy thank you to Raggs for starting the league and all the girls who have stayed with the league. I could go on and on about how getting involved in roller derby has benefitted my life but you have to be involved to really get it. Thank you for letting me announce. I promise I am trying.

I am planning on starting a podcast to discuss how awesomer I am than you so get prepared for

The Reason for the Season.

How watching a scary movie (probably) saved my life.

Bbbbrrrrraaaaiiiiiinnnnssss

Well it is finally Halloween again the happiest time of year, free candy and lots of scary movies what more could you ask for?  This may shock some of you but I am not a huge fan of scary movies.  I have what the medical experts call “cat like speed and reflexes”…This means that when things are quiet then suddenly interrupted by even a small noise, I will scream like a girl.  While I have been told this is a  very desirable trait to have if one wishes to survive in the wild, it has led to some rather embarrassing moments.  One that comes to mind was when I was playing Gears of War and I was trying to sneak past a berserker which didn’t go so well.  Berserkers are blind and depend on smell and sound to hunt their prey.  So I was being as careful as I could not to make a sound but the berserker heard me anyway and ran through the wall right in front of me.  I wish I could say I maintained my cool but I actually dropped my controller and screamed like a baby.  While my number one Enemy Jeremy Webb, managed to keep his composure.  Have you ever had to feel like less of a man than Jeremy Webb?  Most girls don’t even experience that, but I had to.  Needless to say this deeply shamed me and I have tried to avoid being startled ever since.  Because of the deep shame caused by my condition I don’t often watch scary movies in order to avoid being laughed at for my highly evolved and finely attuned sense of awareness.  Luckily for me I hid my shame to watch the movie “When a stranger calls”.  Fun side note Roy from the office is in this movie.  The movie is based off of a scary story I heard a million times as a child growing up.  Essentially a baby sitter is receiving frightening calls from a stranger, she calls the cops and they trace the call and it is coming from inside the house….dun dun dun.

Warning spoiler alerts ahead!!!! 

There is a scene in the movie when the babysitters friend is leaving but there is a branch across the driveway… Because she is dumb she gets out of the car and tries to move the branch.  As she struggles with the branch…. psycho killer jumps out and kills her.

Fast forward a few months same thing happens to me, but in addition to my cat like speed and reflexes I have already seen how this plays out which is why I am still here today. 

I used to walk my dog very early in the morning…now by walk, it is important to know that I mean driving down a narrow and eerie dirt road while my dog ran by the car (Don’t judge me I can call it walking if I want to)  Because I was “walking” at 5 in the freaking morning it was always really dark and creepy but for the most part uneventful… Till one fateful day…  I am going along on the road, minding my own business and bam there is a freaking branch blocking the way.  Since I am not an idiot I rolled up my windows, locked the doors and got the f&*% outta there.  Psycho killer 0 - Ryan 1.  Sure I felt a little bad about possibly abandoning my dog to a deranged lunatic stalking a terrifying dirt road in the early morning, but I stand by my choice. 

Here is how things would have gone down if I was born a girl J/K don’t freak out … As I see the branch across the road I abandon the safety of my automobile and try in vain to move the branch.  I hear some noise and say “Hello? Is anyone there”?... With no response I decide it is obviously safe to continue… till I hear another noise…”Seriously!” I would yell “If that it is you (insert name) it isn’t funny, you better knock it off”  Then a sudden rush and I take my last breath as a flock of birds scatters.  I am never to be heard from again but my dead body could show up as a warning to my cliché group of friends.

But because I was prepared I managed to safely avoid an obvious attempt on my life.

Please take the opportunity to watch scary movies because they might just save your life.  Here are some more lessons brought to us by the original writers of horror movies.

NEVER RUN UPSTAIRS…Seriously, unless you have a zipline out your window (which I recommend everyone have but very few do) never go upstairs you will die. 

DON’T WEAR HEELS…You will trip and then you will die.

OWN A GUN… A lot of the problems I have seen in horror movies could be solved by a concealed carry permit.

Always keep your car at least half full and make sure you don’t have an old battery.  If you are somewhere creepy and you say “Oh no, the car won’t start”…guess what… you’re dead.

Invest in remote keyless entry…There is nothing worse than being chased by a psycho and having to try and unlock your car. 

Putting your keys on a lanyard is also a good idea, because dropping your keys is also a very good way to get dead.

Well there are many more rules to survive this Halloween season but they are all pretty obvious.  If you feel under prepared for your survival the rules can easily be found by watching that scene from scream when Mathew Lilliard gives all the rules.

Please be safe this Halloween season and don’t fall into any obvious traps. 

P.S.

Remember to eat lots of Candy Corn which manages to be completely disgusting and ridiculously delicious at the same time

Karaoke King

Just in case you were curious what happens when Danyell and I stay up past out bedtime. 

R.I.P SUMMER : (

With this blog post Summer 2011 is officially over. This summer was pretty amazing and I did a lot of awesome stuff that I didn’t blog about because I have a irrational fear of keyboards. Since there were like 100 blog posts I was going to write I am just combining them into one epic blog post, tentatively titled Blog post; The first avenger.

Here it goes.

I led my Dream Dinner Champion team of Champions to victory in one out of five dodge ball games and only swore once. We did however win the “rock climbing wall of glory”. Thanks mostly to my fearless leadership and various motivational chants.

I managed to cross an item from my list when I rented a human hamster ball… If you missed that I hope that you cry yourself to sleep tonight, then when you are all cried out you can go to the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fUPsd9u7Yg (you have to copy and paste it because I suck at this)
to get a feel of what it was like inside my dome of awesomeness. (Later that night, I accidentally declared war on two of my neighbors when my aerial firework tipped over and projected flaming balls of awesome at their perspective houses.)

Danyell and I went on a cruise and you can watch the following (upside down) movie above this post to see what it would be like to go on vacation with us…If you guessed that it would be awesome you would be correct.


I got to spend a night in JFK airport which was pretty terrible but I managed to read like 3 books while there. Including World War Z, pretty much guaranteeing that I will survive the inevitable Zombie apocalypse.

I gave the speech from Independence day which was pretty awesome and I also managed to get the nick name Horatio too… Which I am a little conflicted about.

A brief recap incase I forgot stuff;

Sang karaoke, drove a jeep wrangler for the first time, swam in the Atlantic ocean, slept in an airport, got laid off, got a new job, rode four wheelers, went kayaking, bought a jeep, drove a Harley, had an ice cream snicker bar for the first time ever (I used to think that I would need a jet pack to find everlasting peace and eternal happiness but I am pretty sure that ice cream snickers can also do that.) I also found out that they still make scented markers and peach scented marker is the greatest smell in the entire world…the entire world.

As this summer closes I want to express gratitude for all my friends and cohorts who allowed me to stay awesome for yet another summer. A very special thank you to Nate and Megan Walters, without whom I would have gone an entire summer without ever going on a rope swing and thus causing me to be tormented by guilt for the rest of my life.

As a note I may have to officially extend summer to the 16th of September because I will be in the greatest dodgeball game the universe has ever seen. If you can’t make it to Thanksgiving point to watch me throw dodgeballs while wearing daisy dukes have no fear I will recap it for you.

As Summer comes to a close I would like to remind everybody that Halloween is rapidly approaching. Halloween was recently declared (by me) as the second most awesome holiday. The first is the Fourth of July for obvious reasons. I want to make sure that everyone remembers to keep the spirit of Halloween with them remember that Halloween is about more than just candy it is also about juvenile pranks and singing karaoke with me and Danyell.

In case you missed it this picture pretty much sums up my summer.

Your Guide For Life,
-Ryan

Redemption has a Name...

And that name is R.Y.A.N!

Many of you are unaware of just how bad I failed my dodge ball team last year. It wasn't all my fault as the A-holes on the Keybank team were a bunch of dirty, filthy, cheaters whose flagrant disregard for the rules have ensured I will never trust them with my money. But that is a whole other story.

Besides dirty, dirty cheaters there are mainly 4 reasons why things didn't work out for us.

1. I didn't wear a Tom Landry hat to properly motivate my team.
2. I assumed that because I am so awesome and have seen the movie "Dodgeball" like 100 times I would naturally lead my team to victory.
3. I wasn't wearing enough sweat bands.
4. I didn't turn my name into an acronym of my strategy.

R-Remember the A.L.A.M.O (see below)
Y-Yes, I will destroy all opponents who dare oppose me.
A-Awesome will always triumph (except for last year, which was the exception that proves the rule)
N-Never is not enough...


A-Avoid getting hit by the ball.
L-Look where you are throwing.
A-Always eat a good breakfast.
M-Move out of the way of the ball.
O-Only one team can win.

Once plan R.Y.A.N has been implemented I should be a lethal dodgeball force.

The project will involve hours of dodging and catching drills designed by me for optimal dodgeball performance...

I just realized that I don't have very much time before I will meet my opponents in ball to ball combat, which means I won't have time to implement project R.Y.A.N, which means we are probably going to loose again. (sigh... Ef)

For some people going into something they know will end in a humiliating defeat may cause them to reassess their course of action. Luckily, I am not one of those people. Even though I am 90% certain my participation in this dodgeball game will end with my humiliation, I cannot wait to do it because as Dr. Seuss in his infinite wisdom has said "these things are fun and fun is good". So I am going to choose fun over dignity and always will.

Your Guide for Life,
-Ryan

Talk Derby To Me

Well it is official; I am so awesome that it literally hurts! That is right I was spanked by three different roller derby girls and trust me they looked right passed my astounding level of awesomeness and showed no mercy. Getting spanked by Derby girls was not on my bucket list but it should have been, in fact I would encourage all of you to make this a priority in your life. For info on when you will be able to be spanked by your choice of roller derby girls, simply friend the Happy Valley Derby Darlings on Facebook. For those of you as lazy as me you can use the following link.http://www.facebook.com/HappyValleyDerbyDarlins

If you have not yet met the HVDD girls you should be ashamed of yourself. This is where you imagine me pointing my finger at you and yelling shame. Why should you be ashamed? Because the HVDD’s are a collection of the awesomest girls around, they are super nice and throw epic parties. “How epic” you ask. Here is a small list of things I have witnessed at just two HVDD events.

1. Like infinity hot chicks.
2. An epic 80’s hairband…whose lead singer called me out for being the only person not signing.
3. A rendition of “Don’t stop believing” that just about brought me to tears.
4. I also won a butt load of swag in their raffle.
5. Many much more stuff that for the sake of my more sensitive and wussy readers…cough… (Jer)…cough. I will not disclose at this time.

Oh, you may have noticed that one of the lovely ladies about to administer derby justice upon me is none other than my beautiful wife. That is right Danielle is now a derby girl, which makes me a derby husband…sounds like there will be a reality TV show or a support group in my near future.

People have asked me how I like being married to a derby girl… Well, I go round and round about it…Get it?… “round and round”… Classic. Actually, I am pretty stoked about it. It’s like being married to a super hero. By day, she is the mild mannered business owner, loving wife and dedicated mother… Danielle. But when night falls, she transforms into the trash talking, roller skating, remorselessly spanking “Cookie Cut-Her” striking fear into evil doers...er… um other roller girls I guess.

After being “stoked” the next feeling I have would probably be jealousy. Danielle is already the smart, hot and best liked one of us, now she may very well be the awesome one. Before Derby, Danielle was trailing me by at least 40 million awesome points. (For those of you who have witnessed me play Halo or seen my sick laser tag moves you know this is true.) The calculations haven’t come back from NASA yet, but I am prepared for the worst case scenario where I am no longer the awesome one of our duo. But don’t worry loyal fans I have epic plans to reclaim my title.

So in conclusion, if you don’t support your local roller derby league they will find you and they will hurt you. So for your own safety, please give in, and surrender to their beguiling ways.

Your Guide For Life,
-Ryan