My Name is Ryan

Karaoke King

2011-09-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

Just in case you were curious what happens when Danyell and I stay up past out bedtime.

R.I.P SUMMER : (

2011-09-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

With this blog post Summer 2011 is officially over. This summer was pretty amazing and I did a lot of awesome stuff that I didn’t blog about because I have a irrational fear of keyboards. Since there were like 100 blog posts I was going to write I am just combining them into one epic blog post, tentatively titled Blog post; The first avenger.

Here it goes.

I led my Dream Dinner Champion team of Champions to victory in one out of five dodge ball games and only swore once. We did however win the “rock climbing wall of glory”. Thanks mostly to my fearless leadership and various motivational chants.

I managed to cross an item from my list when I rented a human hamster ball… If you missed that I hope that you cry yourself to sleep tonight, then when you are all cried out you can go to the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fUPsd9u7Yg (you have to copy and paste it because I suck at this)
to get a feel of what it was like inside my dome of awesomeness. (Later that night, I accidentally declared war on two of my neighbors when my aerial firework tipped over and projected flaming balls of awesome at their perspective houses.)

Danyell and I went on a cruise and you can watch the following (upside down) movie above this post to see what it would be like to go on vacation with us…If you guessed that it would be awesome you would be correct.

I got to spend a night in JFK airport which was pretty terrible but I managed to read like 3 books while there. Including World War Z, pretty much guaranteeing that I will survive the inevitable Zombie apocalypse.

I gave the speech from Independence day which was pretty awesome and I also managed to get the nick name Horatio too… Which I am a little conflicted about.

A brief recap incase I forgot stuff;

Sang karaoke, drove a jeep wrangler for the first time, swam in the Atlantic ocean, slept in an airport, got laid off, got a new job, rode four wheelers, went kayaking, bought a jeep, drove a Harley, had an ice cream snicker bar for the first time ever (I used to think that I would need a jet pack to find everlasting peace and eternal happiness but I am pretty sure that ice cream snickers can also do that.) I also found out that they still make scented markers and peach scented marker is the greatest smell in the entire world…the entire world.

As this summer closes I want to express gratitude for all my friends and cohorts who allowed me to stay awesome for yet another summer. A very special thank you to Nate and Megan Walters, without whom I would have gone an entire summer without ever going on a rope swing and thus causing me to be tormented by guilt for the rest of my life.

As a note I may have to officially extend summer to the 16th of September because I will be in the greatest dodgeball game the universe has ever seen. If you can’t make it to Thanksgiving point to watch me throw dodgeballs while wearing daisy dukes have no fear I will recap it for you.

As Summer comes to a close I would like to remind everybody that Halloween is rapidly approaching. Halloween was recently declared (by me) as the second most awesome holiday. The first is the Fourth of July for obvious reasons. I want to make sure that everyone remembers to keep the spirit of Halloween with them remember that Halloween is about more than just candy it is also about juvenile pranks and singing karaoke with me and Danyell.

In case you missed it this picture pretty much sums up my summer.

Your Guide For Life,
-Ryan

Redemption has a Name...

2011-05-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

And that name is R.Y.A.N!

Many of you are unaware of just how bad I failed my dodge ball team last year. It wasn't all my fault as the A-holes on the Keybank team were a bunch of dirty, filthy, cheaters whose flagrant disregard for the rules have ensured I will never trust them with my money. But that is a whole other story.

Besides dirty, dirty cheaters there are mainly 4 reasons why things didn't work out for us.

1. I didn't wear a Tom Landry hat to properly motivate my team.
2. I assumed that because I am so awesome and have seen the movie "Dodgeball" like 100 times I would naturally lead my team to victory.
3. I wasn't wearing enough sweat bands.
4. I didn't turn my name into an acronym of my strategy.

R-Remember the A.L.A.M.O (see below)
Y-Yes, I will destroy all opponents who dare oppose me.
A-Awesome will always triumph (except for last year, which was the exception that proves the rule)
N-Never is not enough...

A-Avoid getting hit by the ball.
L-Look where you are throwing.
A-Always eat a good breakfast.
M-Move out of the way of the ball.
O-Only one team can win.

Once plan R.Y.A.N has been implemented I should be a lethal dodgeball force.

The project will involve hours of dodging and catching drills designed by me for optimal dodgeball performance...

I just realized that I don't have very much time before I will meet my opponents in ball to ball combat, which means I won't have time to implement project R.Y.A.N, which means we are probably going to loose again. (sigh... Ef)

For some people going into something they know will end in a humiliating defeat may cause them to reassess their course of action. Luckily, I am not one of those people. Even though I am 90% certain my participation in this dodgeball game will end with my humiliation, I cannot wait to do it because as Dr. Seuss in his infinite wisdom has said "these things are fun and fun is good". So I am going to choose fun over dignity and always will.

Your Guide for Life,
-Ryan

Talk Derby To Me

2011-04-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

Well it is official; I am so awesome that it literally hurts! That is right I was spanked by three different roller derby girls and trust me they looked right passed my astounding level of awesomeness and showed no mercy. Getting spanked by Derby girls was not on my bucket list but it should have been, in fact I would encourage all of you to make this a priority in your life. For info on when you will be able to be spanked by your choice of roller derby girls, simply friend the Happy Valley Derby Darlings on Facebook. For those of you as lazy as me you can use the following link.http://www.facebook.com/HappyValleyDerbyDarlins

If you have not yet met the HVDD girls you should be ashamed of yourself. This is where you imagine me pointing my finger at you and yelling shame. Why should you be ashamed? Because the HVDD’s are a collection of the awesomest girls around, they are super nice and throw epic parties. “How epic” you ask. Here is a small list of things I have witnessed at just two HVDD events.

1. Like infinity hot chicks.
2. An epic 80’s hairband…whose lead singer called me out for being the only person not signing.
3. A rendition of “Don’t stop believing” that just about brought me to tears.
4. I also won a butt load of swag in their raffle.
5. Many much more stuff that for the sake of my more sensitive and wussy readers…cough… (Jer)…cough. I will not disclose at this time.

Oh, you may have noticed that one of the lovely ladies about to administer derby justice upon me is none other than my beautiful wife. That is right Danielle is now a derby girl, which makes me a derby husband…sounds like there will be a reality TV show or a support group in my near future.

People have asked me how I like being married to a derby girl… Well, I go round and round about it…Get it?… “round and round”… Classic. Actually, I am pretty stoked about it. It’s like being married to a super hero. By day, she is the mild mannered business owner, loving wife and dedicated mother… Danielle. But when night falls, she transforms into the trash talking, roller skating, remorselessly spanking “Cookie Cut-Her” striking fear into evil doers...er… um other roller girls I guess.

After being “stoked” the next feeling I have would probably be jealousy. Danielle is already the smart, hot and best liked one of us, now she may very well be the awesome one. Before Derby, Danielle was trailing me by at least 40 million awesome points. (For those of you who have witnessed me play Halo or seen my sick laser tag moves you know this is true.) The calculations haven’t come back from NASA yet, but I am prepared for the worst case scenario where I am no longer the awesome one of our duo. But don’t worry loyal fans I have epic plans to reclaim my title.

So in conclusion, if you don’t support your local roller derby league they will find you and they will hurt you. So for your own safety, please give in, and surrender to their beguiling ways.

Your Guide For Life,
-Ryan

New years resolutions

2011-01-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

Due to popular demand...I present for your viewing pleasure...my new years resolutions.

(Note: due to various legislation, treaties, injunctions and supreme court precedent I cannot name all of resolutions.)

1. Be even more awesome. I know that you are saying to yourself "impossible" but I know that with your thoughts and prays I can become even more awesome....I wonder if to reach optimal awesomeness, will I have to stop being friends with Jeremy? Probably...but that's a post for another day.

2. To not run a marathon. I think with some planning, a large amount of mountain dew and halo I should be able accomplish this one.

3. This year I will turn 29 since it is my last full year in my 20's, I think that it is my moral obligation to buy an unseemly amount of fireworks in Wyoming, and launch them there so as to not break any state laws. (right here is were you imagine a winking emoticon.)

4. I am hoping this year to pull a legendary April Fools joke. Be prepared any of you could be my victim...Bwahahahaha

5. Say "that's what she said" more.

6. Go hang gliding

7. Compete in an eating competition.

8. Do a blog post about how dissapointed I am that Anne Hathaway is going to be Catwoman in the next Batman movie. LAME!

9. Hike Mt. Timp. That snobby mountain has been looking down on me for almost three decades and it's time I put it in it's place. It has only been spared because of my general distain of physical activity. But enough is enough watch your back Timp!

10. Lead my Laser tag team to Nationals. Just messing I don't have a lasertag team.

11. Start a laser tag team.

12. Get punched in the face. I have only been punched in the face a few times but they were all in the span of a few minutes...and therefore my recollection is a little blurry and I have forgotten what that passage in to manhood felt like.

13. Ride in a hot air balloon.

14. Organize a massive water fight.

15. Take a ride in one of those Human hamster balls. Note to self possible birthday party.

16. Rent a Wave Runner.

17. Redeem myself at dodge ball...those cheating jerks from Keybank won't know what hit them...oh wait yes they will a dodge ball. I should probably get my lovable band of rejects together and start practicing.

18. Only have 18 new years resolutions! Sweet!

Honorable mentions.

Quote anchor man more. I decided that I already quote that sufficiently.

Watch more mash ups on youtube. I decided that while fun, they really don't help me become more awesome.

Well fellow adventurers, 2011 is going to be freaking epic. I hope that you all manage to come out with me and cross some items off my list. As soon as the weather warms up it is going to be open season on list items.
Take Luck.

Your Guide For Life,
-Ryan

P.S. 2011 is off to an epic start with 2 halo nights under my belt already.

2010 A Retrospectus...

2010-12-20T20:56:00.000-08:00

Before I get to far lets deal with your biggest Christmas fear... not knowing what to get me, the man who has everything. Well in the spirit of Christmas here are some guidelines to ask yourself while Christmas shopping for yours truly.

Is it awesome? If yes than buy it.

Will this help Ryan cover up his nerditude? If yes go directly to check out.

Will this help Ryan proudly display his nerditude? If yes you have a winner.

Is this AVATAR? If Yes place back on shelf and wash your hands before you next see me... then never speak of it again

If you are still confused here is my list.

1. Call of duty Black ops
2.Halo reach
3.Season 1 of community
4.A time machine
5.Anything about zombies
6.A freeze ray..(tell your friends)
7.A Hat
8.Some kind of vest
9.i tunes gift card
10.Anything that says "awesome"

Good Luck I am sure that you will do fine.

2010 a retrospectus;

Well my beloved sojourners, 2010 was a truly amazing year. I was able to cross a few items off my list. I met new friends and reunited with old friends, sang in public, shaved my head, lost a dodgeball tournamnet, got a gun, had a food fight and somehow managed to fool Danyell into staying my wife for another year..sucker!

I want to thank all my friends who were helped my cross off items from my list... I also want to publicly shame all my "friends" that were too cowardly to go skydiving..for shame!

The Year 2010 was a pretty epic year. Here is my list of the top 10 awesomest things of 2010.

10.The dodgeball tournament I was in...actually that sucked because we came in last place :(
9.Getting a new TV
8.The Halloween Party
7.The Expendables.
6.Danyells big 30 party
5.Left 4 dead 2
4.Halo Reach
3.Reagan's first trip to New York
2.Eating New York pizza everyday for a week
1.Skydiving

2010 did have some lows...
My own brother publicly admitted that he doesn't like laser tag...wtf Kyle? I don't know how we are even related. Maybe you are just jealous of my mad laser tag skills...yeah I bet that's it. Besides the laser tag incident, I don't think 2010 had a single unawesome moment.

I want to thank all my friends for putting up with me for so long. All of the awesome stuff I had done this year would have been totally lame with out my dearly beloved reprobate friends who can turn even the most mundane activities into death defying experiences of varying legality.

So as we say goodbye to 2010 here is wishing you all a great 2011...May your days be filled with laughter and your nights filled with Halo Reach.

Your Guide for Life,
-Ryan

P.S. Stay tuned for my news years resolutions...spoiler alert...they are awesome.

Gone In Sixty Seconds

2010-07-13T22:10:00.001-07:00

(Okay, not gone but 2 miles lower elevation than where I was.)

First a few “thank yous” are in order.

My beautiful wife Danyell (my spelling not hers) who gave me the Second Greatest birthday gift ever (the first being a time machine/being bitten by a radioactive spider) the gift of awesome.

I also have to thank my Bro, and James Tidwell who accepted the charges when awesomeness called.

Of course the awesome staff at Skydive Utah.

Well I have officially skydove. For those of you who don’t speak awesome that means "skydived” ( I like my way better). It really wasn’t very hard: I let gravity do most the work. In fact, there’s no trick to it, it’s just a simple trick. Belly, Breathe, Banana and you’re a pro. If I was making the rules I would have put breathe first but it seemed to work out alright.

While 60 Seconds may not sound like a very long time, I was surprised by the range of emotions I felt in such a brief time.

I felt the following emotions; fear, confusion, panic, awesome,wonder and awesome.

While you are hurdling towards the ground at over 130 mph you really get to know what is important to you. While I was falling, I kept thinking there is no way superman or other super heroes could possibly breathe while they are flying. Seriously, it is really, really hard to breathe and most super heroes go even faster than I was going! Other than that my thoughts were along the lines of booooo yaaaahhhh!

Here is my advice. If you are ever given the opportunity to Skydive; do it. There will always be a thousand reasons not too, but none of them are any good. I have done a lot of awesome stuff in my life, but there is nothing that compares to skydiving.

Thanks again to my wife who always makes my life an adventure.

Your Guide for Life,

-Ryan

What IF I was deranged?

2010-05-01T09:50:00.001-07:00

10 points for anyone who got the reference.

Sometimes the best things in life are dangerously explosive. Case in point Spud guns. In fact spud guns are so awesome that they may replace cake batter ice cream as the greatest non-sentient things on the planet. The jury is still out though.

How can a few pieces of PVC pipe, a BBQ lighter and a potato be so awesome? Well you can't really explain the joy and fulfillment in life when, after a surprising loud BOOM, a potato flies off into the sunset. At that moment in time you know that life is good.

Since spud guns are a right of passage into to boyhood, I think that an already awesome adolescence is at long last complete.

Even though a spud gun is an incredibly simple contraption I still owe a lot of thank yous.

Danyell; Who went to Home Depot while I was at work and bought all the parts I needed.

The Home Depot Guy; Who helped Danyell get all the parts.

Jon and Lenzi Van Wagoner; With out their lawn and various flammable liquids the spud gun would still be only a dream.

Thanks Guys!

In conclusion, spud guns are freakin awesome! Everyone should at one time or another shoot a spud gun.

Your Guide for life,

-Ryan Mahoney

Are you there Karaoke? It's me, Ryan.

2010-04-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

Here's to defeating stage fright. Long able (3 weeks) to be content as a mere spectator in the game of karaoke. (public karaoke anyway, I am not counting the karaoke done at my Halloween party in front of my closest friends and family.) I finally joined the halls of the greatest people who have ever walked the planet! That's right I sang karaoke in public. Whhaaaaat!!! This is kind of a big deal for me. If any of you have seen the painstakingly, slow motion, train wrecks that are my public speaking engagements, you would be right to assume that my public singing is even worse. In fact, even though I haven't checked recently, I think that it has actually been classified as a crime against humanity. Despite the threat of being hunted down by Interpol I persevered and answered my call to fame.

Let me set the picture. An unusually strong blizzard is raging outside of the local Applebee's (even though it's April) at 11:38 pm and the DJ calls out for Ryan..... A hush falls over the dozens of happy eaters, as I climb up the stage. I look out the crowd, wearing my Spiderman shirt that I stole from my brother, and they go nuts. I then tell them that my song is about the greatest year in the history of the world. I then begin to sing 1985 by bowling for soup. It actually changed lives. I was literally lifted off the stage by adoring fans as they demanded that I become their king. Karaoke was changed forever. Okay only like 1/4th of that happened. I was wearing my Spiderman shirt stolen from my bro, I did tell them that I was singing about the greatest year in the history of the world, and I did sing 1985. Other than that I mostly made it up. Oh, and there was a blizzard outside.

But it was still fun. My voice was terrible, but my dance moves more than made up for it. Anyway, here is the point if you are ever scared to do something just remember that the only people who remember my singing were the people who liked it, in alphabetical order; Mahoney, Danyell that is all. Everyone who knew that I had no right to sing in front of others, have already moved on with their lives and forgot about my offensively bad rendition of a song that isn't really that good to begin with. So there really isn't any reason to be scared of what people think. Besides you should do something that scares you everyday.

Take Care Fellow Adventurers!!!!

Your Guide for life,
-Ryan "The Ryan" Mahoney

Murder....Death.....Tennis?!?!?!?

2010-03-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

Hello Fellow Adventurers!

So I got some friends (Kyle, Mike, and Chase) together to play a game I invented years ago while avoiding studying for finals. The game is simple enough and is the natural evolution of 3 sports. First, is Calvin Ball the favorite game from the beloved Calvin and Hobbes comics. Second, Murder Death Frisbee which was invented by my dear friend Jess Long. This game was essentially a friendly game of Frisbee with the added excitement of slide tackling. The last sport thrown into the mix is plain tennis.

So how do you play Murder Death Tennis? You ask. It is simple enough. All you need is a butt load of tennis courts, either 4 or 6 with a specific layout. There need to be at least 2 full courts next to each other, then at least a 10 ft tall fence with 2 courts next to each other on the other side. Then you simple ignore the "pansy nets" and use the much taller and dangerous, therefore awesomer 10 ft fence as the net.

After theses basic qualifications are met there is fierce debate among MD tennis scholars over how to properly play the game. Purists, like myself, insist that there is no right way to play it, as long as it is never played exactly the same way twice. Some of the more radical scholars insist that certain rules and boundaries must be enforced to preserve the games true nature. There are a few guidelines that the two schools of thought typically agree on though. For example, both believe that the first rule of MD tennis in that you don't talk about MD tennis. Okay, that isn't actually a rule but it is really fun to say. The real rules are; there are no rules.

But for any of you novices who think they have what it takes to enter the realm of MD tennis here are some of the ways I have played in the past. Typically we play till all of the tennis balls are no longer in the court. We then gather them up and laugh and brag about the what happened. Last time we brought six tennis balls one was stolen by a kid at the park with left us with just five. So we only had about thirty seconds before we had to gather them all up again. One time we played and you had to take a drink of Mt. Dew after ever hit, I don't recommend this for people with weak stomachs though. Another rule that was a lot of fun is having to name your swings everytime you hit the ball. This adds mental stimulation to the game as well.

The best thing about MD tennis is that if something isn't working just do something different. I generally don't keep score. Real tennis scoring is so stupid that I couldn't come up with a stupider one. Although since a tie in tennis is called love, sometimes while serving I will say that the score is 1,000,000 hate. You are welcome to try to keep score but with a game with no rules it is slightly difficult. Although there are awards.

The MVP of this last MD tennis match went to my friend Chase. This award was earned when he hit the ball as hard as he could at the fence and the ball hit a cross bar and came back and nailed him in the gut. It was so awesome that we had to take an official five minute, roll on the ground, point and laugh break

In closing remember there is always a more fun way to do even the stupidest of activities, like tennis. Just joking don't get all offended real tennis players. Real tennis has no excitement for me but add in a couple extra courts and I'm happy as a pig in slop. The real point of MD tennis is just trying to find new ways to make things fun. Doing that keeps life interesting.

Your Guide for Life,
-Ryan

P.S. I will try to post some pictures to help visualize the game.

A new year to be awesome.

2010-01-30T12:34:00.000-08:00

Hello Fellow Adventurers,

Sorry for the delay in posting but when my beautiful wife set up this blog she didn’t write down the password and used an email address that doesn’t exist so it is not very easy to log in to this blog.

But out of sheer force of awesomeness, I managed to get into the blog to provide you with a brief update.

Awesome, took two pretty severe blows early in 2010 when both Jeremy Webb and Michael Lameoureux, abandoned me for awesomer pastures. While I wish them luck, I hope they know that their betrayal will be punished.... and I will have my sweet, sweet vengance. (Bwa ha ha ha)

While the loss of two of my comrades in awesomesness is definitely a set back and has certainly decreased my chances for numerous halo nights, I still think 2010 can be mind blowingly awesome.

"How"? you ask.

Here are some things I am planning for 2010.

1. Some kind of American Idol type competition to fill Mike and Jers, vacancies.
2. Food fight.
3. Water fight.
4. A food and water fight
5. Climbing Mt. Timpanogos
6. Possibly hitting a golf ball off of the aforementioned Mountain
7. Singing Karaoke in public
8. Getting my soda fountain operational

not to mention finally crossing off some more items from my list.

As we part, here are some awesome things that have happened since we last spoke.

1. Got an X-box 360 elite and ODST
2. Got a dart board
3. Put a picture of Jer on the dart board.
4. Got a blu-ray player
5. Watched seasons 1-4 of lost on Blu-ray
6. Done like infinity of donuts in parking lots during snow storms.
7. Taught Reagan to say “Weeeee” when doing donuts.
8. Finally ate at P.F. Changs. (So, I haven’t done it before you wanna fight about it)
9. Taught Reagan to say awesome.
10. Went night boarding
11. Totally wrecked myself while snow boarding.
12. Got Reagan addicted to The Simpsons.
13. Learned that even though I haven’t played it for a long time, I am still awesomely unstoppable at Mario Kart
14. Sneak attacked Danyell (how my brother and I spell Danielle) with a water gun, for back talking me = )

Well I hope that you all made a resolution to make 2010 the awesomest year ever, because it is going to be…wait for it….. LEDGENDARY!!!

Awesomely yours

Your Guide for life,
-Ryan

P.S. Here is a free awesome tip

If you want to know if you are telling an awesome story, ask yourself does it end with me saying "then I drove off without anyone seeing my license plate." If it does you are telling an awesome story.

Random Acts of Awesomeness

2009-10-06T19:41:00.001-07:00

This is not an item that is on my list, but as it was an awesome activity, I thought it was blog worthy.

Last night I became the self proclaimed, undisputed King of all laser tag. For you haters out there saying "didn't you come in last place?"... It isn't about ranking, rather it is about awesomeness.

I want to thank all the small people who participated.

Boyle
Chase
Danyell (Danielle)
Devin
Kyle (brother)
Kyle Warner
Matt

You are officially nobility in my Kingdom of awesome.

Because Laser tag was so awesome I am thinking of making a monthly activity out of it so let me know if you want to come along.

I also want to publicly chastise my lame friends who couldn't man up and laser tag it up. Joey, Jon, and Bill you are on notice. You are officially in danger of being exiled from awesome.

As for my list I have decided to start adding smaller items that I can do in the comfort of my own home. For example; I am adding eat 50 otter pops in 25 minutes to my list. So if any of you love delicious frozen treats come on over and see if you can handle the ultimate otter pop challenge.

Your Guide for Life,
-Ryan

P.S. More pictures to come.

Say Hello to my Little Friend!

2009-09-19T14:46:00.000-07:00

Hello fellow adventurers,

Here is a video for all of you wished you could have seen my sweet segway moves.

-Ryan

you son of a segway!

2009-09-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

I think I will call this picture "classic beauty"

Hey Suckers!! First I want to thank danyell (Danielle) for setting up this blog and her kind post, what an awesome birthday gift.

Well it has been awhile but I have officially crossed an item off my list. Some of you may say "finally, that should be easy." Well it was hard for me so BACK OFF!!!

It is official I am no longer a segway virgin. That's right folks I have crossed the threshold and can now take my spot with the other great nerds who have ridden segways.

Here is my after action report.

3 segway wrecks (only one was me)
Many Points, laughs, and stares.
One fastest lap.. 47.16 seconds (by me, suck on that Danyell and Long, you should have known you couldn't hang)

I grudgingly have to give the best crash to danyell, who in the carnage of her wreck lost both of her shoes.

In conclusion, segways are awesome and I am awesome for riding a segway.

As a side note I am adding, learn to play the drums to my list, so if any of you can hook me up with a drum set let me know. Or if any of you play other instruments and want to jam...lets do this thing.

Your guide for life,
-Ryan

Happy Birthday

2009-06-30T07:14:00.001-07:00

Ryan,
I set up this blog for you so that you can get started. It is only the beginning and I know you will do all the amazing things you have planned. You are an inspiring person and I hope this pushes you to be constantly motivated to do everything you want to do, because I KNOW you can!
We love you ,
Danielle, Reagan, and Herbie